Have you ever awakened from a dream and believe with all of your heart that the events you have just experienced were real? If your dream was more like a nightmare and the events forced you to make a decision that seemed out of character, then you are not alone! I had this experience just last night, and I am extremely troubled.

Back Story:

Let me explain. I unexpectedly lost my mother in 2010 and as a result of family in-fighting, backbiting and other innuendos, I am estranged from my oldest sibling. You see, all of my older relatives (e.g. grandmother, grandfather, mother, aunt, etc.) assigned me as the executor of his/her estate over other family members, who thought they should hold the key to some phantom riches. Unfortunately for me, I became known as a thief, who wanted to keep all inheritance money for herself. Really??? I made it known to anyone, who would listen, that I earned a comfortable salary. I do not spend more than I earn, and I save at least one full paycheck per month, which is not an easy feat. People even laugh at me because, I cut off cable and have a phone that is one-step up from the old flip models!

Knowing all of this information, my sister began telling lies about me to other relatives/siblings. She maintained that I stole money, bonds and jewelry from my grandparents to buy my home. If that wasn’t enough, she kept telling my siblings that I wouldn’t be fair in dividing the wealth and decided to challenge my mother’s will. Every time the phone would ring I would cry because, I knew it was some new accusation that I would have to address. To set the record straight, I started confronting her with the individual(s) she told these lies to. Eventually, my sister’s deceptions came to light. End of the story, right? Wrong!

The emotional rollercoaster took a toll on my mind, body and spirit. I became extremely bitter. I questioned not only God, but my faith in him. I didn’t understand how someone so close hated everything about me! What did I do to deserve this? All I wanted to do was fulfill my mother’s last wishes. I had no ulterior motives. Since I was in so much turmoil in my own personal life (e.g. sick husband, learning disabled child, etc.), I decided to relinquish my executor role. I, in essence, gave her what she wanted. Due to her lack of income, my sister couldn’t afford a lawyer in order to handle my mother’s affairs. So, the house went into foreclosure and to this day, my mother’s estate belongs to the state.

To avoid seeing my sister, I didn’t attend family functions for at least two and a half years. It took at least another year after that before I would even acknowledge my sister’s presence. Finally during Thanksgiving in 2014, I began reading my bible again and focusing on forgiveness. I called my sister (albeit the day of) to invite her over for dinner. She declined, but my conscience was clear. It was then that I realized that God wanted me to start walking with him on a consistent manner. I haven’t heard from her since then, but I’ve decided to put it in God’s hands. If I am instructed to reach out to her again, I will do so.

Dream:

Well in last night’s dream, I began reliving the events that lead to our estrangement. This time, it included cousins who sided with my sister and refused to acknowledge my presence at a family event. I was so furious! I began cursing out everyone there! During these arguments I remember feeling sick to my stomach because, I was using such extremely vulgar laced profanities…sigh… Did I really just say all of that? Have I not forgiven her? Do I still harbor hatred towards this individual? Have I truly forgiven her, or am I just in denial?

Confessions:

Depending on the person and/or situation, I may hold a grudge or not speak to that individual, who I feel have done me wrong.

Affirmations:

I will actively practice forgiveness and model my ways after God, who forgives me of my sins.

Prayers:

Dear Lord, please cover and protect my mind, body and spirit as I slumber and sleep. Let all old wounds pass away and heal my heart. Help me to forgive others, as I would want you to forgive me. I know that I am not perfect, and I need your guidance every single day! Give me the peace that transcends all understanding. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.